I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 2022

 Happy New Years, everyone!

As I type this, Poor Mike is suffering a migraine. Meanwhile, I’ve finished cooking (and eating) my new year's black eyed peas, started a load of dishes in the dishwasher, re-started a load of laundry, fixed a pot of tea, and am now sitting down with a cup under my toasty heated blanket. The temperature outside is dropping dramatically from the high 70s that we’ve been seeing, and there’s a freeze advisory tonight.

The wind is picking up outside, and the darkening sky is bringing the house into shadow. Of course, I’ve lit some candles and still have our Christmas lights up, so it’s a very cozy atmosphere. After the past few months, it is nice to just “be” in a cozy spot. Every day, I feel dragged down by my own chemical depression and the grief of our miscarriage, not even considering the pandemic stresses on top of it all. I don’t want to be this zombie, who has been getting through the day, but I also don’t want to be fake smiling all the time, either. It’s like I know I’ll need time to process all of this, and I just want to fast-forward through it. I know that if I’m able, we’ll want to try again for a baby, and even though that feels scary (what if we have another loss?), there’s still the hope (what if we don’t have another loss? What if it all works out?). 

Beyond “try again for a baby” and “process the grief of losing your first baby before you even got to meet her,” I haven’t really set any resolutions this year. I have a lot of things I”m looking forward to: traveling with my husband, finishing the school year, getting debts paid down, etc., but I don’t have any “lose weight/exercise more/etc.” I know some people choose mantras for the year instead of resolutions, and the one that’s been playing on repeat in my head the past twelve hours is very simple: “What I am to be, I already am.”

If you don’t look at time in a purely linear fashion, you could argue that you’re already the person who has accomplished what you’ve set out to accomplish. So, I am already a good wife, a mom, a strong teacher and a happy person. Even if those things don’t feel true at any given moment, I have faith that they are true in the future. I’m already me, so I’m already that person.

I’m not sure if this makes sense or is just the ramblings of a self-absorbed millennial, but it feels much better having these thoughts written down instead of swirling around in my head. I’m going to watch a period romance and drink more tea.

Happy New Years,

Jasmine